April 22, 2016;

It's been a long time since I wrote on this blog, but mostly because my life with school and work has just been overwhelming... If I didn't have something so specific that I felt I needed to write about today then I probably wouldn't be writing today either.

Yesterday (April 21st), I went to a concert.  Surprise. That's not what I want to talk about.  While I was walking to the venue and man on a bike came up to me and stopped handing me a paper about how he was deaf and homeless, and really all he had was his bike.  He was asking for money. 

While I have always been someone who was very into helping people, giving out money to random people has never been something that I have done in my life.  Something inside of me told me something different this time. Now, I don't carry much cash with me every because I am a horrible person and will spend it all without second thought, but I happened to have a single dollar in my wallet.  With no hesitation or second thought this time I reached in my wallet and I pulled out that dollar and gave it to him.  He quickly signed thank you, and because of the show Switched at Birth I was able to sign your welcome back.

Then today I met a friend for dinner and then we went to get her a new purse. Now there is one intersection that almost always has someone sitting with a sign saying "Anything helps" or something along those lines.  Normally I never even look over at them, a sense of I am avoiding eye contact or something.  Maybe that is just a sense of the "Don't talk to strangers" that you are taught as a child still in me, maybe it is something else.  Leaving though, there was a man sitting with a sign, and I pulled up first to the light right as it turned red... Like I said normally I wouldn't even take a glance over at the person, but today I did.  Today I looked over and I saw what looked like pain and sadness in this man's eyes and my heart sunk.  I quickly dug the change I had in my center console out, which probably was only like $0.75-$1, but I did it anyway.  I rolled down my window and quickly gave it to him before the light could turn green.  He just like the man yesterday signed thank you too me in sign language... I'm not entirely sure he was completely deaf because I feel like he heard me say that it was all I had, but I hoped it helped, but maybe he just saw me shuffling as I rolled down the window to lean out, I don't know. 

Now, there is probably someone who is thinking "What if they were just panhandlers, what if they didn't need this money? What if they are just going to go spend it on booze?" and my only response is, I have no way of knowing.  I have no way of knowing if they make money some other way and they really don't need it, but I also have no way of knowing what they possibly could be going through if their lives aren't going well.  I don't regret it at all.  I don't regret giving them that money.  If both of them were just scamming me then damn I lost two dollars tops, but if they both really did need it then maybe even that tiny little bit of money that I had in my bag or in my car was something that will be able to help them get some water or a sandwich off the dollar menu at McDonalds.  If they spend it on booze so be it... All I know is that I did what in my heart felt like the only logical thing that I could have done in these last few days and I am proud to have let myself.

February 16, 2016;

"Now you sing to me and I still don't believe, that you wanna waste some time with me. Let me sing to you just sit here don't move, I just wanna waste some time with you."

These are lyrics from Saint Asonia's song Waste My Time... Chad sent me a link to the song earlier when we were talking about our weekend and he told me that he hoped that I had a good time and I said of course I had because even though were didn't do anything super exciting it didn't mean that just spending time with him wasn't exciting for me.  Any time that I get to spend with him whether we do anything is always nice.  In the past few hours since being sent that song, it really is just impacting to me for some reason and I can't stop listening to it.

I am going off on a tangent, oh well, no one reads this anyway I'm sure.  If they do they probably don't even know who I am...

Really though, all I can think about right now is how amazing it is to have the kind of relationship that he and I have.  We act like we have been together for years when we have only been together for months.  I think that comes with having known each other for like over two years (I'm talking like really actually spoke to each other known each other, not known known each other because hell we have known OF each other since high school, but this friendship/relationship didn't start until 2013 around September or October).

Really though, our relationship is one that is probably much more mature than normal ones that are at the stage ours is - a little over four months.  As he said, he would think that some people that we know who are even engaged to their significant other would be somewhat jealous of how well we coexist with each other.  We have absolutely no trouble cooking dinner and watching YouTube videos on a Friday night, turning around ordering pizza delivery and playing video games Saturday, then spending Valentine's doing grocery shopping and having Taco Bell for lunch.  We don't have to do anything super special ever, just being able to be with the other seems to be enough.  We have no trouble just "wasting each other's time" together.

It is nice to have someone who you can lounge in sweatpants with and doesn't judge you when you want to wear you anti-candy hearts dress even though you are only going to Target.  Someone who constantly reminds you that they love you and someone who constantly is telling you that they are proud of you.  It is a great feeling to have someone who is 100% for sure in your court, and will be there with you through things.  Someone who is there to remind you that sometimes you really aren't as bad as you think that you are.  Find someone who makes you feel comfortable... there is a saying about how you should let go of the person who constantly is making you feel butterflies and to find the person who makes you feel safe.  In a sense I think that makes perfect sense, while the butterflies are a definite thing and may even happen in a relationship that is going to make you feel safe, feeling safe and feeling cared for, and feeling like someone is going to always be there for you when you need to vent or you need someone to just chill on the couch with is the most amazing feeling.  That is the kind of person that you need.  That is the kind of person who does a really good job at sticking with you through a whole number of things.  Believe me. ♥

Feburary 1, 2016;

Figured that I might as well start the month out on a good foot and make a blog post again.  I haven't done so in a couple of weeks so why not.  Plus it is Monday, which actually usually are my favorite days because I am done with class early, and I don't have to work.

I have to say though, this last weekend was so nice that I wouldn't have minded having another Sunday, which normally isn't something that I would say.

Let's have a run down of my lovely weekend.

My Saturday started as usual, I worked my morning shift from 8:15 to 2:30 at Subway.  It was relatively slow other than a basketball team, but they got they all got the same sandwich which made it go by really quick because they were the simplest ones ever.  Gotta love when teams actually do something easy on the person who is working by themselves, because normally that doesn't happen.

After work though is when my weekend started to change to something that isn't so normal about my weekends.  Normally I spend the weekend at home, doing homework, and napping... Not this weekend.  Nope, I met Chad's parents this weekend so I went home, got ready and then I drove to meet him so that he could drive the rest of the way because he had to come to Walmart to return headphones and then get something else.  Plus, it saved me gas and it meant that I wouldn't get lost trying to get there on my own, which was a likely thing because I am a horrible person and I am really bad with directions.

Meeting the parents is kind of a nerve-racking thing, but as soon as I got there it felt like it was nothing.  I don't know why I was so worried I felt so comfortable there.  I brought my camera, because that was the intentional conversation of why I should come out there anyway because I was talking about how I needed a new place to take pictures because I have exhausted everything around here.  I mean I have been taking pictures here for the last like four-five years.  I am completely out of things to take pictures of. I had to wear, what I am assuming where his mother's boots because it was muddy and I did not have the boots for it.  We came back and I took them off and he was like you didn't have socks? I said I told you that, I only wear socks to work and looked at his mom and was like "She's the perfect woman!" To make more sense of this, he hates socks and top sheets just as much as me which his mom completely doesn't understand so he had to announce it to her that someone else is like him. Anyway,  I'll scatter some of the photos around the post.

Saturday afternoon/night consisted of taking pictures, Chad and I worked on catching up on Game Grumps together, having dinner with his family.  Side note, his mother is a fantastic cook and I think that I ate the best this weekend that I have since like Christmas.  I didn't even know what to do because I don't remember being so full all the time with food that is not something from Subway.  I mean let's be honest I actually am never full when I eat Subway anyway.  Anyway, continuing what else happened.  After dinner Chad and his dad went out to work on something on his car and his mom and I stayed inside to watch some TV.  That turned into both of us managing to fall asleep.  I think that's one of the many things that made me feel really comfortable there because yes, I can sleep just about anywhere and naps are my favorite thing, but even with that being said I have a hard time napping at someone else's house that I have never been to... at least not the first time I was there.  That was pretty much the end of the night because when they finished working on the car his parent's went to bed, Chad and I finished watching the episode of SNL that was one and then went to bed ourselves.

Sunday I think we woke up around seven or so, I don't really know because his room is pitch black and my phone was dead and like 7:03 is when my FitBit said that I woke up and didn't go back to sleep.  Breakfast was ready at like 8:30 or so, so before that we just laid around and watched more Game Grumps videos because that is just what we do.  Sunday was a lazy day.  I actually got to stick around because I had given away my Sunday shift to someone else so that I didn't have to rush home the night before and I am so glad that I did.  It was really nice to be able to just relax with him and his family for the day.  I spoke to his dad about who my mom and aunt and grandpa were until he figured it out. He even dug out a yearbook to see my mom and her twin sister to make sure that they were who he was remembering.  We had lunch, and pretty soon after that Chad needed to leave so that he could take his two and a half hour drive home... Three if you add in the time between his parent's and where he met me.  So he took me back to my car and we both headed home.

I am just really glad that it worked out that I was able to give away my Sunday and was off for the afternoon of Saturday on the weekend that he was home.  It appreciate any time that I get to spend with people that I don't see all the time especially him.  It was also just really nice to be around his family and feel so welcomed there.  There is nothing more that you could ask for from your significant other's family I don't think.  I also believe that it isn't always the case so I am so very happy to be in the position where it was.  Thank you to them for having me and making me feel so comfortable, because I really do appreciate their son very much.

So, here's to a Monday after a lovely weekend! Today isn't a bad day either.

"Wrinkles merely indicate where smiles have been." - Mark Twain

January 8, 2016;

Holy crap, it's already another year.  I didn't write any posts during December just because everything was seriously so crazy that I didn't have a whole lot of time to do much.  Then when it wasn't crazy I spent my free time with the people that I love and care about.

I act like a ton of people read my blog, I know that they don't, but that's okay.  For the people that actually do periodically take a look at it, I hope that you had a great holiday season and that the first week and day of the new year has treated you well. 

Short run down of the end of my year:

•  I spent the 20th of December with my dad's family for Christmas
• Gave my dad his specialty popcorn and popcorn seasonings and a beer for Christmas, he loved them booth.
• We had pizza for our Christmas dinner, which I was totally all for!
• I spent actual Christmas (25th) with my mom's family. 
• Gave my mom and Phil their presents
• Mom told me that she couldn't use the custom cutting board for actual use and probably would display it, gave Phil a blanket that I made.
• Got presents from them
• Lots of laughs
• Selfies with my cousin
• I dropped a piece of pumpkin pie on my pants
• I ate it off my pants... Don't judge me.
• Spent time with Chad on the 28th and 29th 
• He got his presents from me
• A mug that looks like a Mario warp pipe (actually got two, but that's a long story)
• Coasters that I made from tiles, modpodge, felt and beer boxes 
• My gifts have still not come because he ordered them late, but made him tell me what it was because he could open his. 
• We had sushi for dinner Monday and then Hardees' for lunch Tuesday because we are awesome
• Also watched a lot of YouTube videos (big surprise there... not) 
• Spent New Years Eve with Brittani, Dakota, and a couple of their friends
• We went to a couple bars
• Rang in the new year at Steak n' Shake
• Had a fantastic time as I always do with them!

Other than those things, life has been pretty normal work and if I'm not at work I am home with my kitties. I bought concert tickets for two more concerts this morning so I now have tickets for five shows this year! Life is great despite being "just normal."  I am really happy with everything that is going on, I start my second to last semester of college in eleven days which is insane, but everything is going to work out.

 "I don't broadcast every high, and I don't hide every low.  I'm trying to live. I'm not trying to convince the world I have a life." - Unknown

November 30, 2015;

Last day of November, that seems crazy.  I can't believe that we only have two more weeks of actual classes and then we have finals.  There is still so much that needs to be done before that time comes, and it is getting a little bit overwhelming, but I will make it out!

Anyway, last week was Thanksgiving Break, and for only being off two of those nine days I actually got to spend time with family and my boyfriend which was nice.  Sunday, I went to my Mom's family Thanksgiving which we never have on actual Thanksgiving.  I had to leave around one to head back because I had to work, but we did family pictures and had some great food and just got to spend time with family which is always nice.  Then work Sunday night and Monday.

Then I was off Tuesday, so I drove to see Chad.  I can't even express how excited I am about him being back from Utah and not living seventeen hours away from me! I have missed him an insane amount because seeing my best friend every six months is just not enough, and then with us starting to date I was just so ready for him to be back.  Anyway, he just had gotten into his apartment the day before so we really didn't do a whole lot.  He unpacked some, I re-read all of the letters that I sent him about a year ago and laughed at the fact that he kept the coloring pages and the little Beanie Baby snake that I sent him, we had dinner, we watched TV or maybe I should say I watched TV because he fell asleep on me and I watched a full episode of a show that I was not at all interested in because I; one, didn't know where the remote was and two, didn't want to wake him. Nice quiet evening in, finally being able to catch up on person again when I hadn't seen him since June.  Anyway, I had to leave at around eleven the next day because I had to work and he needed to go get plates and a new license and everything else.

So, work again Wednesday.  Then THANKSGIVING! I got up early so that I could head to my dad's early because we were having lunch with my grandparent's around eleven and I wanted to get most of my laundry done before we headed over there because I hadn't done any in probably a month other than the one load of just necessities like pants and undergarments.  So, I had a LOT to do! I got that taken care of, we went to my grandparent's house for lunch which my dad had cooked.  We realized after eating that he had forgotten to make the hash brown casserole that he had been planning on making, and he was mad at himself for it, but it was okay because the food was still good. Around 1:45 I went over to my step-grandma's for another Thanksgiving dinner - and yes, I was stuffed by the end of this day! - As soon as I walked in, I was in the kitchen talking to my mom and step-dad.  My mom was looking at something on the stove and was like, "This looks like it is getting really hot whatever it is." Then she said uh-oh and backed up really fast and the glass casserole dish with our stuffing in it EXPLODED! Turns out my step-grandma had accidentally turned on the wrong burner and that was a mistake.  So, we lost all of our stuff.  Phil got his leg cut a little bit from glass shards shooting all over the kitchen.  It was quite a site to see, mom said that it wasn't the first time that she had seen that happen, but it was the first time that she had been so close to it and it wasn't any less scary than any other time.  After that excitement again we just hung out as family and spoke.  I met my new nephew who is almost two months old.  I had to head back that night to pull bread for Friday though so I left around five or so.

Then I worked the rest of break.  While it didn't feel like it was very long, it was still definitely a good break.  Now just three more weeks of classes and then one whole month of break!

"In the end, what you do isn't going to be nearly as interesting or important as who you do it with." - John Green

November 17, 2015;

I haven't written a post in over a month, oops.  There has just been a lot of things going on lately with school and concerts and work.  I have just been really busy when it comes to things.  I do have to say though it hasn't been too stressful of a time lately. 

In the last month and seven days I have been two three different concerts (twenty one pilots, Young The Giant, and Sleeping With Sirens and All Time Low),  I have work just as much as I usually do which is nothing new., and then I am just trying to get everything back together with school.  I am pretty pleased with everything that has been happening.  In other super exciting news my best friend/boyfriend will be back in a little under a week and I am super excited to see him next week!

I really haven't done anything else besides school, work, and concerts.  Those few things keep me busy enough as it is.  Thanksgiving break is next week, I work all but two days of that which isn't a surprise, but it will be nice to not be bombarded with classes and work all that the same time like I usually am.  Then after that we only have two weeks of classes before finals.  I can't believe that the semester is basically over.  I also can't believe that I am going to be done with my undergrad come next December.  It totally doesn't feel like I only have one more year once this semester is over!

Anyway, since I hadn't posted in a while I just wanted to try to check in a little even if I haven't been doing much lately.

"It's not what the world holds for you.  It's what you bring to it." - Unknown

October 10, 2015;

You know it is really weird how two weeks can change everything in your life.  Honestly two days can which is even crazier.  Still the amount of things that have changed for me in the last two weeks since I last posted seem nuts to me. 

I just have to say that I am honestly happier right now than I have been in a while.  Not to say that I haven't been happy or anything, because I definitely have been, but just some of the events that have happened in my life the last couple of days actually just have made me utterly fantastic.  For once my life actually feels like it might be in order, yeah I am working a LOT (almost 43 hours this week) and yeah I still have crazy amounts of school work going on right now, but everything feels right.  I don't really know how to explain it without going into immense detail which I don't feel like doing at the moment, but for the first time in almost two years everything feels like it is in line and like it is actually headed in the correct direction and might not veer off for once.

I know that was vague and this is short, but it is also not like too many people actually pay attention to this and read it all.  If you do, and you actually know me and want to know more then yeah I probably can fill you in on more of this, but right now I am going to just keep details to myself.

"She didn't need to be saved. She needed to be found and appreciated, for exactly who she was." - Unknown

September 25, 2015;

Wow, I am sorry that it has been so long since I last posted.  School and work combined this year are really just pushing me and I don't have a lot of free time when after you factor those two things in.  I am taking 18 credit hours this semester at school and then I work between 30-39 hours a week, but it is normally up between 37-39 and that is killing me.  I recently have told my manager that I need to get back down to the lower 30s because these last two weeks if I didn't have some really awesome friends who let me use their study guides I probably would have failed all of the tests that I had.

Anyway, when I do have free time which is usually about once a week I am normally trying to catch up on all my homework which can be a struggle in itself.  I also spend quite a bit of time with Corey when it is possible, we both work such busy schedules that sometimes it is only for an hour or two after one of us gets off work (usually after I get off work because I get off later), but it is working out.

Speaking of classes though, mine are going well.  Like I said, I am so thankful that I have friends who are willing to help me out when I am so busy because otherwise I would be doing far worse in all of my classes I almost guarantee it.  But I have A's in all my classes but one which is all messed up because of a quiz that I did really bad on, but that'll be okay after this test for that class that I took today gets graded because I'm fairly sure that I did well on it.

Anyway, I don't know too much else other than I am extremely exhausted because I didn't sleep too well last night and what I did sleep about three hours of it I had big black Labrador feet in my back.  I am very ready to be able to sleep in tomorrow for the first time in a while!

"I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream." - Vincent Van Gogh

August 11, 2015;

It has been a month since I posted last because I'm the worst! A lot of stuff has happened since I last posted. It has been a crazy month to be quite honest, but I have loved everything about it because it has been a heck of a time.

Let's list a few things:

• I guiltily got Tinder again. 
• I turned twenty-one! 
• I went to my sixth Warped Tour. 
• That Tinder turned into a date.
• That date turned into more dates.
• Those dates turned into a relationship. 

 So, that has been my life in the last month and it has been fantastic.  I have been all over the place, spent so much money on gas and I just don't even know how to talk about all of it because it has just been too nice to put into words.

Have a quote:

"Like wildflowers; You must allow yourself to grow in all the places people though you never would." - E.V.

July 11, 2015;

A few blog posts ago I talked about having a better time with experiences than with actual objects and tangible items. Well, last night I got to have another one of those experiences! I went to the Aaron Gillespie and William Beckett concert which I have had tickets for for quite a long time so that was really exciting.  I went with my mom which was a lot of fun because she hasn't been to a concert with me in a long time.

I just want to say that it was the most laid back concert that I have ever been to.  The guys were selling their own merchandise and having genuine conversations with each other and it was seriously the best thing that could be happening at any show. I finally got to meet William which is insane because the first time that I say him perform was a little over seven years ago in 2008 at my first Warped Tour when he was with The Academy Is... I learned he is a Parks and Recreation fan which made me even more excited.  I even got one of his shirts which has Ron Swanson on it and says Ron Swanson Approved.  It is too big though so it is going to be a sleep shirt unless I re-purpose it and deconstruct then reconstruct it to make it fit better which I might do in the future but not yet.  He also signed a poster for me.  Then I also go Aaron's signature on my ticket so it was a good time.

There weren't a lot of people there which really surprised me. I mean it made it so it wasn't super crowded which was nice but I almost feel bad when there isn't a better turnout than there was, but it was still a really awesome show that they put on.  I met another girl who was just as excited about meeting William as I was and we followed each other on Twitter to keep track of each other.  That is another thing that I just love about concerts because I have quite a few friends who are just people that I met at a concert.

Both William and Aaron played songs that I wanted to hear which made me really happy because no matter what the show is obviously going to be great if they are great musicians, but when you have a specific song that you want to hear and then you don't get to hear that song it is a little bit disappointing.  I didn't have to worry about that though which made me really happy.

Anyway, we didn't get back to my aunt's until about 1:30 and then I didn't get to sleep until about 2 only to have to get up at 6:15 because I had to drive almost an hour and a half back this morning because I had to work.  I was really tired all day while at work so when I got off I took an almost hour and a half nap once I was home.  Nothing else has really been going on I just needed to share the fantastic concert.

"I just want to go on more adventures. Be around good energy. Connect with people. Learn new things. Grow." - Unknown

July 2, 2015;

I have been thinking about a lot of things lately.  I really don't know where these thoughts are sparking from, but I know that I have been having them.  I also know that at least one of them is something that someone is going to read and be like "Okay, you need to rethink that." or "You just aren't old enough to understand what you want."

These things have been ideas about what I see in my future for things such as marriage and children.  We grow up in a society that pushes marriage and children on everyone who is a part of it, and up until maybe a few months ago, I didn't really even think a thing of it even though we talked about it in short spurts during my sociology class the fall semester of my sophomore year (last fall).

Lately things have been going through my head and here is a few of those things.  If you know anything about me then you know I have been married before.  I got married when I was seventeen and that obviously ended in divorce.  Okay, no big deal (at least not anymore) it was just something that happened, but it is something that will never define me.  Lately though, I have been thinking about being married, not because I am looking to get married again any time soon, which is exactly what I want to talk about.  Honestly I don't even know if I would care to get married if I found someone else who felt the exact same way.  Like the only reason I think you need to get married is if you are looking for the legal opportunities, because to me if you care about the person then what is written doesn't matter.  That may seem crazy to some people, but lately it has been my thought.  I also have been thinking that if I do get married then I don't want another big wedding.  There are a few reasons for this. 

1. They are a pain in the ass to plan
2. They can honestly just be completely stressful
3. They are really just for the show and not really anything to do with the couple themselves, it's mostly about the pictures.

For me, if I get married again, I want it to be a small wedding with just close family and a very few close close friends. Nothing extravagant, nothing crazy, nothing huge. I want something small and intimate.

The second thing that is probably the even more controversial topic that I am going to get to is children. It came up in a conversation (which I don't even remember what led to it) about me saying I don't know if I want children. They said something about how they felt the could be happy with kids that weren't biologically their own.  This made me think about it in another light, because I feel sometimes I want children, but other times I just don't know.  To think about how I would feel about adopting children changed my mindset completely.

There are so many children out there who do not have families. I think that I could honestly be more fulfilled to have a child who wasn't my own if I knew that I was going to be giving that child a loving and safe home.  I didn't ever think that was what I would be thinking because growing up I thought that I wanted to have three kids and adoption was never something that I ever had in my brain.  Really though, I think that I would be more than happy to give a child and amazing, loving, safe home rather than having my own children.

Now that is the topic that I feel someone is going to be like you aren't old enough to make that decision yet, you don't know what you are talking about blah blah blah... But you have to hear me out.  I do know that the world is currently over populated and that there are many children who are in the foster care system.  To back that up here is a statistic I pulled from the Congressional Correlation on Adoption Institution (CCAI):

In the U.S. 397,122 children are living without permanent families in the foster care system. 101,666 of these children are eligible for adoption, but nearly 32% of these children will wait over three years in foster care before being adopted.

That seems insane to me. The fact that there are that many children in the United States ALONE even furthers my thoughts on adoption.  I don't see why I couldn't be fulfilled in having a child who may not biologically be my own, but I could still love just as much as if they were.

So before telling me that I don't know for sure what I want think about all of the factors. Also remember, you aren't me. And I will admit, that I may change my mind in the future, and I can't say that I won't because the future holds so many things that I don't know right now, and that isn't a bad thing.  Right now this is what I know and this is what I feel though, and I think that should be enough.

June 26, 2015;

First of all: LOVE WINS! Like I was so excited to find this morning when I woke up that the supreme court had ruled that the ban on marriage equality as unconstitutional! I am so happy to be living in a country that finally allows it.  It was a long road and took a while to get down it but I am so glad that we finally have. 

Second: I locked my keys in the car today.  To make it even better, I didn't have a spare at the time, and I was in Boonville at Wal-Mart.  Luckily I now know that the Boonville police will come and unlock the car with only a signature from you.  I am so thankful for that.  I also got an extra key made for it just so I have it and can't do that again.  But it was just a mess because it had already been a long day. 

Third: Corey and I played a prank on Liam at work today.  It was seriously one of the best things that happened all day long and I really can't believe that he believed us. 

I really have nothing else to say about today besides those three things.  So since I didn't give you a quote yesterday, have two today!

"I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream." - Vincent Van Gogh

"Do not chase people. Work hard and be you. The right people who belong in your life will come and find you and stay. Do your thing." - Unknown

June 25, 2015;

So the last couple of days have been interesting.  If you know me then you know everything that has been going on.   I am not going to go into too much detail about it right now,  but let's just say I was having a rough time a few days ago,  but I am getting better. 

I will say that I am definitely only doing so well because I have the friends that I have because without them in my life I don't know what I would do.   I made an unexpected trip Monday night to see a someone who I normally get to see maybe two times a year sometimes three if I am really lucky, and it was really a good thing for me even though leaving to drive two hours at 10:30 at night is a crazy thing that I will not be doing very often.  It was a great time though so I am very glad I gave in and went ahead and went.  

The only other thing that is happening right now is that I am working lots of hours,  I am going to betting a lovely sized check tomorrow with payday so I am not going to complain about it at all.   Today is my only day off so my dad came up to see my apartment and we went to lunch before he had to head back home.   Nothing else is happening.   I am typing from my phone (well actually my Bluetooth keyboard - that the same friend who I went to see in KC got me)  so I am not going to have a quote for you this post.  Again I am so thankful for my friends that I have because I don't know what I would do without them.

June 20, 2015;

The other day I was talking to one of my best friends about a Halloween costume which led to me saying something about probably not needing one this year because I was most likely going to a concert.  This led him to say that I'm always going to a concert and my only response was because they make me happy.

This made me think though. I thought about all the concerts I've been to - which is enough that I can't count them on both of my hands. The amount of money that I, my friends, my boyfriend at the time, or my family has spent on the tickets and transportation to get me to these said concert venues. It made me think about what else that money could have bought me. what material things I could have had if I hadn't gone to those concerts.

Also though, it made me think of the experiences I have gained from the concerts. The car rides with friends where I've laughed and talked about so many things both to and from. Screaming at the top of my lungs either at the end of a song or lyrics to said song. Meeting new people who are now some of my best friends. Meeting members of bands who I've loved for years, getting signatures, pictures, hugs, and even having conversations with them at times. It was at a concert that I fell in love with the work that To Write Love On Her Arms does. It was at a concert where I really first realized that it was okay to be myself.

Then I think about the feeling that concerts give me. They really do make me happy. They make me feel alive. They make me feel accepted. I know that I'm a part of a fan base that also lives for the music we are listening to. When I'm in a crowd my claustrophobia doesn't kick in like it does in other crammed spaces or areas. I feel like I can breathe better in the environments of being surrounded by people who love music like I do.

And thinking about experience verses material objects I realize that all the money which has been spent on me going to concerts outweighs all the material objects I could have ever laid my hands on. It may be difficult for some people to understand that but that's okay that's just their way of living. I know that some people value the idea of things, but I value the idea of experiences. The idea of travel and concerts and shows and charity work. I would much rather have a memory and maybe a picture to show it all here or there than have some item which I may keep for some amount of time, but may not last forever. The memories will last, at least until I start to forget everything because of some other cause.

So would I trade all my experiences? Never. Am I okay with that? Absolutely.

"Live in the sunshine, swim in the sea, drink the wild air." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

June 11, 2015;

This post is going to be something that with some people out there is a very controversial subject to express, but it is something I believe in so I'm going to do it.

As you may or may not know June is LGBT Pride Month.  If you know me, you would know that I very much am in support of marriage equality and I hope that before too long everywhere will recognize same-sex marriage especially in the United States, just because I live here and I have friends who are in same-sex relationships, and I fully believe that everyone deserves to be treated with the same respects and that everyone should be allowed to get married because same-sex marriage to me is just marriage.  We don't call it opposite-sex marriage, and I think that we should stop. 

I think that this is something that I surround myself with the people who agree with my beliefs and also believe in it as well which is great because while I do respect everyone's opinion sometimes other people's reasoning for why they don't like it make me aggravated.  One that I read just yesterday that sparked this in me was this article about the couple in Australia who said they will divorce if marriage equality passes there.  I don't understand how that is going to help anything, unless it just makes you feel better, but honestly all you are going to do is being raising the already high divorce rate of heterosexuals, so good job!

Also there are just so many other articles out there that have to do with people of other orientations other than straight showing how they are put through such a struggle all of the time because they are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, etc. Both with people who are famous and everyday people.

Example
Example
Example
Example

Some of the things I see online are so ridiculous that I don't even know what to think.

I do think we are moving toward it being legalized in at least most places.  I mean there are already multiple countries around the world where same-sex marriage is legal or at least is recognized as well as there being many states in the United States where it is legal or at least recognized.  So, we are moving the right direction even if there are still people who don't want it to happen.  I don't think there is any way of stopping it, more and more people are becoming more open minded about it or realizing that it isn't going to change their own marriages.  You don't have to be LGBTQ to want this for others, that's not a requirement. 

I just want to see a difference be made, I wand to see everyone be able to make their own decision on who they want to marry and be able to be in love with whoever they want to be without there being a ban telling them that they don't have the same rights as someone else just because they love someone who is the same gender.  That's not the right way to bring peace and organization to a country or anywhere for that matter. 

Let's work on this to make a difference and help spread awareness so maybe less hatred will shown towards other people.  Also, think about your words before you speak because you just never know who you have around you listening.

“There are people who have said that I’m being brave for being openly supportive of gay marriage, gay adoption, basically of gay rights but with all due respect I humbly dissent, I’m not being brave, I’m being a decent human being. And I don’t think I should receive an award for that or for merely stating what I believe to be true, that love is a human experience not a political statement. However, I acknowledge that sadly we live in a world where not everybody feels the same. My family and I will help the good fight continue until that long awaited moment arrives, when our rights are equal and when the political limits on love have been smashed.” - Anne Hathaway

June 8, 2015;

First off, I didn't mention it in my last post because I was so caught up in the whole TWLOHA thing, which is not a bad thing but I didn't even think about anything else.  Anyway... it is really already June, that doesn't seem right.  Its already been like a month since I got out of classes and I feel like I haven't done much of anything this summer. 

Saying that though it makes me think, what really do I do during the summer? I was working last year and I can't really remember what else I did other than go to Warped Tour. Seriously do I not do anything exciting anymore. 

It has made me think though what were things that I have done in the past which I don't do very often anymore.  One really big thing that I used to do a lot that has slowly stopped happening recently has been taking pictures.  I used to be mad for taking my camera every where that I went, if my camera wasn't strapped across my body and sitting comfortably against my hip then something wasn't right.  I haven't had my camera out since I had my photography class during the spring semester.  I don't know if that has to do with the fact that I lost interest from photography because of having to take so many pictures that I really didn't want to take even though there were so many that I actually really really loved that I took for that class.  I feel like I need to get back into it, but I don't know where to start.  I don't want to just become my twelve year old self taking pictures of my cats and self and other useless things.  I mean yeah, I am not against a picture of your animals or a selfie, because heck I'm more than guilty of both those things. 

But I want to do more.  I want to take pictures that I used to do back when I was taking pictures with my first 365 when I actually was inspired to do something different (not the days when I was in a hurry).  I want to do pictures like I did for my photography class but them be ones that I actually want to take and in my own time not something based on a deadline.  I want to do shoots with people, not even paid ones I don't care about that right now (thought the money would be nice) I just want to do another shoot.  I still want to do a pin-up shoot with someone because I see those pictures all over Pinterest and things and I think that it would be so much fun, but I hit a problem where I don't know who I would do that with. 

Maybe I just need to get back out there and start again.  I just need to come up with ideas and go out and execute them.  I just need to start doing it again.  Hopefully that is something that I will be able to start doing again before this summer is over.  I think that should be a summer goal for me.  Take at least one picture which I am proud of that is unique and not just something that is an everyday idea.  Maybe I will get out there and spell out some words with everyday objects again, even though that was one of the most difficult projects which I did.  Maybe I'll do that and that could be a gift for Christmas for some people again.  Maybe I will be able to do at least another shoot with someone, I don't know who but maybe it'll happen. 

Whatever it is, I just need to get out there and do it.

Have a quote for some inspiration: "The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are." - Unknown

June 4, 2015;

Today my heart is full. 

That's a weird way to start a blog post I know, but everything inside of me today has been good and happy.  I woke up this morning after getting very little sleep and then being woken by loud thunder and not being able to fall back asleep.  Sounds like a FANTASTIC way to start out your day right, yeah not really. 

Besides that rough start I decided to put the book I was currently reading on hold because last Sunday I got my copy of If You Feel Too Much by Jamie Tworkowski.  Now if you have no idea who that is or what that book is then hold on and I'll explain.  Jamie is the founder of the organization To Write Love On Her Arms which represents this:

To Write Love On Her Arms is a non profit movement dedicated to spreading hope and finding help for those suffering with depression, addiction, self-injury, suicide, eating disorders, anxiety, and other mental health issues. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and invest directly into treatment and recovery.

This organization has been with my for almost seven years now.  I bought my first shirt from them at Warped Tour 2008 when I was thirteen years old.  Since then I have learned the message, I have taken part in writing my own Fears vs Dreams, my reasons for why I can't be replaced, and why no one else can play my part. I have grown to love this organization like no other organization I have found.  Their values and beliefs speak true to mine, as a hopeful future counselor.

Now back to the book.  It's a small book, only 182 pages including Author's Note and About The Author, but even being that small normally I have to stop and put it down to do other things and would take at least two days to finish it.  No, not this one.  I finished If You Feel Too Much in less than twelve hours.  It would have been less time but I worked out and made lunch and did dishes and other stuff around the apartment. 

This book filled me with a joy and passion that I have felt before but not recently.  Recently there have been times when I haven't even been sure if I should be going into counseling, if that is my true calling.  This book pulled me back on track and made me realize that helping other people is what I want to do.  It made me remember why I wanted to be a counselor in the first place. 

Another thing it made me do?  It made me look into TWLOHA's internship.  Now, I don't have any money and it is unpaid so that was my big issue.  So, I have started a GoFundMe campaign and I hope to be able to raise the money that I need to raise for this dream and journey.  I will not be even applying until the internship for the summer 2017 has opened so I have time to raise this money.  Please if anyone can help even a donation of $5 or even $1 would be amazing and I would love everyone forever for it. 

Here is the link the the campaign: Click here to donate

Thank you very much for any support I have out there.

May 28, 2015;

So there have been a couple times where I was going to fill everyone in on what has been going on with me, but I never think of it when I get home from work that or I am just completely exhausted.  Now though I don't have to work for another hour and a half almost so I will type it ll up right now!

About two weeks ago, not quite but it will be two weeks on Saturday, I moved into my new apartment.  I don't even know if I mentioned on here that I was going to have to find a new place to live or not, but back at the beginning of April I found out that my lease wasn't going to be renewed where I was living.  That required me to find somewhere else to go and it honestly just lead me to the other side of town. I am paying a little bit more rent but my kitty is able to live here with me as well and I am glad to be living alone honestly.  I wasn't too sure how I was going to feel about living alone but it is actually really nice and I am in a quiet area of town and don't feel unsafe or anything. 

Lately I have been working A LOT! I was at about 30 hours last week, then this week with two people gone at least four of the five days I am working almost 40 hours which is insane to me.  I have not worked that many hours in a week since I worked at Hardees back in 2013.  I mean the paycheck is going to be BEAUTIFUL, but it is a lot of working which I am not used to.  I am even doing split shifts both today and tomorrow.

Also, Brendan has come to visit me this week, he is sadly leaving tomorrow, but that is okay.  It has been nice to see him even though I have been working every single night that he has been here and only get to spend mornings with him. 

Another thing since I last wrote.  I have now bought tickets to my sixth and seventh shows of the year and I also went to my fourth show on the 23rd.  I bought tickets to see William Beckett and Aaron Gillespie for July 10, and then just today I bought tickets to see Taking Back Sunday and Greek Fire on August 7.  I am super excited about the both of those shows.

Anyway, I went to Pointfest with Hannah on the 23rd of this month.  That was a really great time.  We people watched a lot of the day and then we had pretty decent seats when we went and watched the main bands.  I had to stay the night with her that night because it was so late when we got out.  It was awesome though even though we both got super sunburnt while we were there, mine is finally not hurting which is great. 

I don't really know of much else that has happened, but I am going to try to do better about keeping up to date on stuff going on.

"If you're not willing to risk it all then you don't want it enough." - Anonymous

May 6, 2015;

It has been one day short of a month since the last time that I have posted.  That is because I have just been really really busy with the last month of school. I do have to say something now though... IT IS SUMMER NOW! I finished my last final today at about two today so that was perfect.  I am just so glad to be able to just relax a little now.

Now I just have to think about this summer and work.  Brendan is graduating on Saturday and I don't know how often now I am going to be able to see him now, but we will work it out.  We spent time watching a The Imitation Game tonight.  It was a really good movie and I'm glad that we decided to pick that movie to watch tonight. 

I don't really know what else I have done lately because really all that I ever do and have done in the last month is go to school and go to work.  It is seriously just a been a constant thing for the last month or more.  I have been doing also is watching Parks and Recreation... A LOT!

Anyway, I have nothing else to say because I'm lame.  Hopefully my next post will be better...

"Kindness is a language that the deaf can hear and the blind can see." - Mark Twain

April 7, 2015;

I'm going to start this off by saying that right now stress is still pretty high for me.  A few more things have been coming up and I am just starting to look at a few different options that I don't know if I will be able to do or not. 

The biggest one is the idea of where I am going to live next year.  I have been stressing over who  am going to live with and it still just is not yielding any sort of response.  So lately I have been thinking about something completely different.  I am thinking about moving back into the apartment where I lived when I was still married because I could be alone and I could have my cats.  The problem with that idea though is the fact that the apartments themselves really aren't that great, but honestly it might be better than not having anywhere to go at all.  I also canceled two of my subscription boxes because I was thinking that I will need a little bit of extra money if I am going to move there, plus I really do need the extra money even if I don't move and maybe I will subscribe again in the future when I have more money.

So, that is something that I am having to think about right now.  Also the end of the semester is coming up and so everything school wise is starting to become a bigger mess.  I know that I will make it through all of it and come out in a good place at the end, but still its a mess.

Really there isn't much else going on right now with anything and I didn't really have anything else to talk about so I guess that this is all I have to put today.  Quote time!

"What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how its supposed to be." - Anonymous